Dear Mom, I forgive you

Mom,

Do you even remember how bad it was? Do you remember the screaming and the crying day after day and night after night? I will never get those years back but I forgive you. I forgive you for the times you wanted nothing to do with me. I forgive you for not knowing how to love me unconditionally. Because that means you yourself were not given an example of what that looks like. You did the best you could. And you loved me in a way you knew how to. I thank you for that. Because through it all, I learned so much. I forgive you for slapping me across the face. I forgive you for being preoccupied with a failing marriage. I forgive you for the name calling and bashing. I forgive you for pushing me past my breaking point. Because from that I have learned self control. I forgive you for being depressed. I forgive you for being a perfectionist. I forgive you for crying all hours of the night. Because you are only human. Because there were countless nights where you held me while I cried. Because through that I learned how to nurture and comfort and love unconditionally. Forgiveness is not the same as pardoning. Many of the things you did were not right. I should not have had to experience a childhood full of sadness. I can’t forget the events of the past. I wish I could but I can’t. But through forgiving you I am able to look back on my childhood and smile. Because I will remember the good instead of only the bad. And there was a lot of good. The summer vacations, the spaghetti and meatball dinners, the picnics and birthday parties. I hope that by forgiving you, our relationship will grow and blossom. There is still time to form traditions and memories full of joy and love. I want to spend quality time with you. I want to be friends. And most of all I want you to be my mom. Not the scary or scared version of yourself. But the real you. And if you can’t find who that is, then I will keep forgiving you. Because I love you. And because I am not perfect either. I hope that someday you can forgive me.

All the best,

Your daughter

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